My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
