hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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