you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We don't watch enough power rangers
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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