How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
