I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
