My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
