I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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