I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
