Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
