Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
