i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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