the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
