can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
