I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
