If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
