Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
