New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
