I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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