my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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