I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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