just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
