You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
