my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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