i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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