bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
