i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
