As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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