I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
