two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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