She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
