You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I can't turn off my feet"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
