My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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