She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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