I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you would pick up someone in the library
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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