yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Your penis caused this!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
