Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
