hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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