Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
