No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
