He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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