I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
