Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
