remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
