Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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