dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
