He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
