Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
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He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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