Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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