the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
