omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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