alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
