I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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