saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i think i just lost a toe
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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