just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
