Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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