I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
