The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
